Reel it in, Fellas: Crappy Music Edition

Observations, reactions, and outrage from the extremes of popular culture

The week of August 21st, 2017 was not a good week for popular music. Taylor Swift’s newest single, Look What You Made Me Do, somehow managed to miss the mark for an ‘edgy rebrand’ and instead land in the robot porn soundtrack genre. High(low)lighted by a voicemail message explaining that the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now because she is “dead” (GET IT SHE IS EDGY AND DIFFERENT NOW), the song stands out as an astounding example of self-absorbed, poppy garbage. It makes me sad… yet somehow, the gap between Swift’s shitburger and the worst music moment of the week is larger than the gap between the Dodgers and Giants in the NL West standings (schadenfreude, you are delicious!).

The true nadir of the week came when Katy Perry released the music video for her newest dumpster fire single, Swish Swish. You may notice I did not include a link. That is because you should not watch it. Don’t do it. You may be tempted to go to YouTube and find the video. Just stop. Spare yourself. Instead, just shake your head and sigh as you read this list of actual things that happen in this cultural miscarriage music video:

  • While announcing the lineup for Katy Perry’s basketball team, Bill Walton and Rich Eisen (who deserve better than this) introduce Katy Perry as Katy “Kobe” Perry. Katy “Kobe” Perry is apparently a graduate of “The School of Hard Knocks” (recent diversity initiatives have led to more Caucasian admissions, obviously). Her hobbies include “Miley Cyrus Impersonator.” While this is the first time that Kobe Bryant’s name is needlessly pulled into this disgusting mess of a video, it is sadly not the last. (0:58)
  • The two teams take the court. “The Mountain” from Game of Thrones and 10-time Ms. Olympia winning bodybuilder Iris Kyle lead the way for the opposition. Add their names to the long list of poor souls who will will have to face judgement for this monstrosity. (1:15)
  • During the jump ball to initiate the “basketball game” this video centers around, Katy Perry miraculously jumps 8 feet in the air and levitates while running in place. One would think this indicates she has miraculous basketball abilities, powered by her incredible leaping, which will manifest themselves consistently over the remainder of the video. This is not the case. (1:40)
  • Rob Gronkowski is shown in the stands holding a sign reading, “When Does Football Season Start?” Unlike Bill Walton, Rich Eisen, and Kobe Bryant, Gronk does not deserve better than this. (2:25)
  • Molly Shannon, B-list celebrity and coach of the Katy Perry All-Stars, grabs Katy Perry’s arm and injects her with an IV of “Kobe Sweat.” For the love of God, get Kobe Bryant’s name out of this trainwreck. The man brought five championships to Hollywood, and this is how we repay him? Damn you, Katy Perry. Damn you. (2:34)
  • A member of the Katy Perry All-Stars throws an errant pass which knocks a cross-dressing cheerleader, a janitor, a tiger mascot, and Katy Perry unconscious. While Katy Perry sleeps off her concussion, Nicki Minaj randomly appears at halfcourt to deliver a half-hearted cameo verse complete with references to “gettin’ checks” and her “pimp cup.” With the mailed-in-rap-cameo box checked, the horror rolls onward. (3:30)
  • Inspired by a cocktail of Kobe Sweat, Nicki Minaj, a can of spinach, and Katy Perry ripping the cast off a broken arm and instantly healing said arm, the Katy Perry All-Stars storm the court and take control of the game. This comeback somehow includes a player feeding what looks like a grilled cheese sandwich to former Ms. Olympia Iris Kyle to lure her into a makeout session, a montage of poorly photoshopped Katy Perry dunks, opposing coach Terry Tate’s head exploding (Terry Tate is here too!), and coach Molly Shannon making out with a ref. A celebration ensues, and the nightmare mercifully comes to a close. (5:14)

Trust me, that was much more painful for me to write than it was for you to read. Do better, popular culture. Do better.

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